carter.mind.edu

development [wip]

2006-09-14T12:51:00.000-04:00

Fingers tracing ever so
slowly
down the spine
echo deeply the emotions
we've come to find:
a beautiful story that
I can't wait to unwind [with you]
slowly
because it looks [you look] so beautiful.

9.11

2006-09-12T13:30:00.000-04:00

I attended the 9:11:01 presentation on campus on last night and it moved me. It was insane for me to hear the pieced together story of what each freshman [who was in 8th grade at the time] went through that day. It sent me back to that day in my head, reminding me of the confusion and sadness. I remember holding friends that had parents and relatives that worked in the building, worked as fire fighters nearby, and even those that were deployed as first responders. I remember assuring my friends that just because they couldn't reach their family members that they would be fine. And I remember comforting a girl who we would later found out lost her father in the disaster of 9.11.

I can't believe it has been five years.

Short Life Update

2006-09-05T16:08:00.000-04:00

So...this semester is busy as all hell. CDA is a LOT of work, more than I had anticipated, but it's something I'm learning to manage. Right now I'm in the middle of keeping up on over 40 work orders while interviewing and hiring my night host staff for the semester. It's definately putting my organizational and time management skills to the test. Classes seem great for the most part, which works well because this semester's workload is entirely classes from my major. Disaster psychology, the class that encapsulates all of what I want to do after college [work through the rest cross in disaster mental health, providing care to those that have gone through traumatic events], seems amazing. I am even going to walk out of the class with a red cross certification in disaster psychology....more on this later, CDA hours to attend to.

spark?

2006-09-01T15:21:00.000-04:00

I asked for a spark and received a supernova;
a phoenix reborn from ashes.

...

2006-07-18T16:00:00.000-04:00

All I want is a spark.

Update later.

2006-07-06T00:34:00.000-04:00

"Just for the record,
The weather today is slightly sarcastic with a good chance of:
A. Indifference or
B. Disinterest in what the critics say"

been a while...

2006-06-07T22:01:00.000-04:00

So my computer is finally back, alive, and usable...that was a close one. Happy to say my 2,300 pictures and 3,000 songs are safe and sound due to a hard drive search and rescue mission.

It's been an interesting past week or two...lots of thoughts about the present and the future. It seems that I'm on course to finish my undergrad work at the end of next summer and then preparing myself for a headfirst dive into graduate studies, which means I am potentially in my last year of undergraduate college. If all goes well, current connections will provide me with an almost guaranteed graduate assistant job, so my tuition will be payed for, and I still have my CDA job to provide housing if need be. Ironically I am studying the psychology of adolescence and adulthood during the summer while having a quarter-life crisis of sorts. I can't believe where I am in life, that I am so close to finishing many goals I created what seems to be so long ago. I had tossed over the idea of moving to California once done with my school. ..finding a job, a place to live, packing my bags, and heading across the continent. I know the idea won't be greeted well by my parents and friends, but I feel that I need to do something like that to grow in a way I won't otherwise. I am fine if I crash and burn and end up moving back, just as long as I tried. Going to London for two weeks this coming winter should be that experience on a smaller scale, but not enough.

Lenape is the biggest barometer of where I am. Being back here after being here two years ago as a freshman puts things in perspective. I am not who I was two years ago. I am back with so many experiences, laughs, tears, added responsibilities, new thoughts on life, and so much more. What will the next two years hold? the next five? Crazy.

On a lighter note, despite my 3 classes/2 jobs, I have lots of time to hang out and have a good time. Cell/IM me if you're going to be in the NP area.

Next Chapter

2006-05-23T01:19:00.000-04:00

So today I finally moved all of my things out of Shango. My room is empty and that action finally brings my first year as an RA to a close, as well as half of my undergraduate life here. Funny enough, I sit here in the Lenape computer lab writing this entry, a place where I spent my first year. It's interesting where life takes you, who life introduces you to, and what it all means on the way. I can't even begin to thank all of the people that have touched my life this year. To those that have moved on to bigger and better things, I salute you. Thankyou for your laughs, talks, advice, and all of the experiences you imparted. The world is yours, take it by storm, but don't forget to come back and say hello from time to time. To those that are still with me, I can't wait to get to know you better, have more fun times, and make my college experience something to remember.

So much is going through my head right now and I wish I was feeling well enough to write it down. Admist my packing tomorrow I will probably jot some more things down when I am slightly more settled...off to get some sleep and attempt to beat away this pending illness.

Congrats Class of '06, and to everyone else, enjoy your summer.

[title here?]

2006-05-16T01:39:00.000-04:00

more thoughts...

My car ride back from home [went home to visit madre for her day] to New Paltz on Sunday was...enlightening? I found myself very pensive...from analyzing/understanding why my parents are how they are, to thinking about all of the people leaving new paltz this week, to the fact that I'm leaving my staff behind and all the crazy times I've had as an RA this semester, to the many fun faces I've grown accustomed to seeing on a daily basis in this hall...

On top of that, I am staying here for the summer. Come December/January, I'll have been away from home for over 95% of a year. Life is coming at me fast and it's taking me a bit to mentally adjust to it.

Insane.

oi oi oi

2006-05-15T15:49:00.000-04:00

My car ride back to New Paltz yesterday had me thinking a lot, being really emotional. It's really dawning on me how much time is flying, that I'm half way through my undergrad here, and that others are already done. I have a lot of good friends graduating this year as well as an awesome staff that I'm leaving behind. We all know that I as much as anyone has had my differences, but when it comes down to it, there isn't a staff I would have rather spent my first year as an RA with.

Dido and O will probably be the only ones to read this, but you guys are great and I'm glad we had the funny ass times we did have. I have so many words to say, but am feeling sickly and not able to enunciate myself at the moment. There will definately be a more detailed entry about this at another point, but just wanted to get some vague idea of it out, even if just to remind me to write about it later.

Ending this prematurely due to an apparent lack of vocabulary. I need to save what brain power I have left for my two finals and paper due tomorrow.

Gah.

2006-05-15T00:56:00.000-04:00

Really fun weekend/week....but now time for reality:

1 final monday
2 finals tuesday
paper due tuesday
paper due friday
check-outs all week [til sunday]
finding out if I got my summer job
planning my life for summer
starting three online classes next week

and just incase that wasn't interesting enough, the events of the past week/month/semester/year have my emotional/mental state in a state of flux

oh, and I'm sick.

good luck on your week, everyone.

-end rant-

[Why are the allergies always worse when I'm at home?]

2006-05-09T01:19:00.000-04:00

itchy eyes interrupt every try I make to jot down the words that describe every thought that my mind creates

the familiar scent infiltrates the nose irritating to the point of needing meds but not just any, its developed too long despite what's been done to help you...

you manage to alienate me, your once ally in this fight against a foe we all have come to hate for its fantastic ability to divide you, he, she, me..

much like the seasons divide the calendar into four..

"only four tonight", you say you'll take it easy

...clink there goes the cans in the trash as they are downed more, more, you fill each cup ...

the regular dose for you isn't enough.. [ten daily milligrams to combat the allergies that flare up]

seasonally, flare up unreasonably, flare up uncontrollably..

flare up in the form of two clenched fists around a pint of barley and wheat

not randomly, but working on seven nights a week, seven nights where you don't speak, can't speak because you're itching, I'm itching to tell you again, but I'm done..[with this irritation]

done with that seasonal smell that you create that irritates my nose, makes it run...

makes me run...[makes my eyes run too on occasion...]

makes my head hurt, ears explode since that smell often prefaces that feverish yell

you yell about nothing since each night you down that case like nothing...

the season is getting longer, symptoms stronger, the time blurry [or is that just a result of rubbing my eyes with increasing fury?]

fuck it, I'll take a [shot of] benedryl
...maybe I can sleep if I diphenhydra-my worries.

Photographs..

2006-05-09T01:04:00.000-04:00

I ended up taking a bit over one hundred random pictures during our walk around the city yesterday, but I wasn't happy with most of them...

The ones I ended up liking the most were two pics of the tracks in Grand Central and one pic of the outside of St. Patrick's Cathedral.

Enjoy..

Religion?

2006-05-08T16:50:00.000-04:00

So, I've always struggled with the notion of religion, mainly due to everything I've seen associated with organized religion. My parents identify with catholic and episcopalian idealogies, and we were never really the family to go to church. Since their parents' deaths, both of my parents have claimed to become more religious, including attending church on Sundays with my aunt and uncle. I have never really been able to discuss religion freely with many people due to them all having strong beliefs. My family is now "very religious" and I have had numerous close friends who were, which is fine. I applaud anyone who has found something that they choose to believe in, it just leaves very little room to debate/discuss/find my own opinions on the issue due to their dogmatism. For me, I see religion as more of a personal thing, as something that should be practiced for oneself, inside oneself, and not necessarily be a weekly church-on-sunday-with-the-masses endeavor. Anyway...point of this:

I went to St. Patrick's Cathedral yesterday when I was in Manhattan. If there is a God, I do not think the Catholic church has a good grasp as to what he/she/it wants. St. Pat's is complete with security guards that check your bags on the way in and video cameras. (Which, granted, I understand the paranoia after 9/11, but still....it definately ruins any religious feelings I could have had). I was also approached and yelled at by a guard for wearing my hat inside...

My biggest problem with organized religion is the fact that everywhere I turned, there was some type of collection box asking for money. I can understand if it helps someone poor or another good cause, but the catholic church is one of the largest land owners in the world. God does not need money if he/she/it is a God, so it is clearly just for the church to "spread their message", which, sure, I can understand wanting publicity, but let people come to your religion out of curiousity. It maintained the sour taste I had in my mouth for organized religion.

It's between those feelings, my constant philosophical studies (existentialism, daoism, buddhism, etc.), and general outlook on the world that I still struggle to figure out what my religion is, but it wouldn't mean as much if it wasn't a process, would it?

Momentary Procrastination

2006-05-08T10:57:00.000-04:00

Crazy weekend, more on that later perhaps...

I've been working all night and all morning on twenty-five journal entries for my Contemplative Thought class [basically meditation] and as a result, have had to seriously reflect on how I think and, moreso, how my thinking has evolved over this semester. That's the 'funny' thing about reading so many philosophical works...your mind/thoughts/outlook on life really do change. For lack of a better term, I feel less 'ignorant' and by that I mean I actually think about HOW I think now. In a way, the journal has documented not only that evolution of thought, but my evolution of expressing my thoughts. The journal began with this entry:

"The task of keeping a journal has always been daunting for me. So for this one, an interesting paradox is presented. For one who often, in the past, has had trouble scribing thoughts, a journal dedicated to thoughts and meditations is a challenge. It is my hope that through this class' explorations, thoughts provoked from existential readings, and any normal daily happenings, I will have no shortage of what to write. This journal may actually help me gain better understanding into my thoughts on all of the thoughts of others' that I encounter this semester. Now all that's left is how to write it..."

and ended with this:

"I've come to understand that meditation is a loaded word. Immediately, one thinks of mantras, "ohms", seated positions, and conformation to some presecribed approach to thinking. To truly meditate, one must find that which allows one to find a temporary center and see the world unfragmented through it. From there, one can either rest in that resultant calm, analyze a particular problem, or allow the totality of being rush upon the shore of the mind. This may come across as good insight, or pure nonsense, but that is the risk one takes writing his last entry with too little sleep and not enough "peace of mind". Either way, I consider this journal a successful inquiry into how I think, and my ability to reflect on it. It's a start, at least. Everything has a beginning."

I've found there is so much more I can write on the subject, but, unfortunately, it's time to head to my last contemplative thought class for the semester and hand in what I've gleaned from it. Perhaps I'll audit it again next semester...

More posts later involving philosophy, trip to city, thoughts on religion and whatever else the mind can muster up before then....

Surgeon General Warning

2006-05-06T23:27:00.000-04:00

like my life, a work in progress:

He said he was somewhere that no one would find him, he was out of sight.

Funny, that is where both of them have been most of my life.

Not physically, because I knew where they were, I could see them,

somewhere behind a bottle of chems-

varying in size, shape, and contents,

but always containing that shit with the same awful scent,

the stuff that we college kids crave when we go to the bar,

the stuff that makes a pitchless wonder into a karaoke star,

the stuff that makes fridays fun during happy hour,

but back at home, hours with that stuff were only sour.

That stuff is why they can't be found, [mentally]

(it sends them on a leave of absence, chemically).

It's why my dad walks out of the house without a sign.

It's why for as far back as I can remember, their bedtime was before mine.

It's why the hardest part about meet the parents is meeting my parents again.

It's not worth all the family shit it's made me hide from my friends.

I propose that to fight this disease,

all their bottles should have a new label that reads:

Caution, do not attempt to maintain strong family ties,

a nurturing childhood environment free of lies,

because all you'll get is a living hell in a leave-it-to-beaver disguise,

and three-hundred-and-sixty abuse leading to your demise.

Do not attempt to create a loving home when taking this intox-I-cant.

Please! Consult your physician before becoming pregnant.

Side effects, when taken in conjunction with responsibility may include:

(in addition to an it's not my fault/I don't give a shit attitude)

depression, separation, alienation, divorce,

time in court, fucked-up kids, maybe violence of the domestic sort.

While my family should chalk it up to experience and divorce from each other,

then admit to their son and daughter they've been a shitty father and mother,

I propose these changes for my other friends.

Maybe the new warning will save someone else in the end.

Loose Change

2006-05-06T16:12:00.000-04:00

Check this out.

I just saw this video, entitled "Loose Change" for the first time a few days ago and let me preface your watching of it by saying it will make you think and it will make you upset. The video basically shatters any securities you have of your government and makes you question what did happen on September 11th.

I had forgotten exactly what transpired that dreadful day. While watching this all of my emotions, my friends' emotions, all of the people who had someone down in the city that day that came to me for comfort...it all came rushing back. My dad was in the city that day. Good friends of mine lost parents, siblings, loved ones. Fuck the government if they orchestrated the event.

If what the government and the media say happened did really happen, it remains a great tragedy, but if even a sliver of what is presented in this video is correct, there needs to be awareness. I'm passing on the video to anyone who reads this. That will be my part, for now. Pass it on similarly.

To quote Patrick Henry, "We are apt to shut our eyes against a painful truth... Is this the part of wise men, engaged in a great and arduous struggle for liberty? Are we disposed to be of the number of those, who having eyes, see not, and having ears, hear not..? For my part, whatever anguish of spirit it might cost, I am willing to know the whole truth; to know.. it -- now." (1775)

Where has the time gone?

2006-05-03T01:46:00.000-04:00

It was just yesterday that I was tying my first shoe lace,
that I was sipping chocolate milk cartons through a plastic straw,
that I was playing make-believe at recess and saving the world for the forty minutes between lessons.
It was just yesterday that I was playing with legos, action figures, and video games,
that I woke up, brushed my teeth, went to school, did my homework, watched tv with my parents, went to bed.
Life was cyclical. It was easy.
It was just yesterday that I learned 1+1, learned what made up the human body, that I learned e does equal mc squared.
I used to create worlds to play in, now I try to be a part of creating change in THIS world.
My world is no longer tiny, blissful, imaginary.
Now that I've seen the light at the end of the hallway called adolesence, called innocence I ask, "Where has the time gone?"
It was just yesterday that I sat idly by, but today I strive for changes.
The world [can be] magnificent. Appreciate it before you ask where the time has gone.

Thanks again for your time.

2006-05-01T20:52:00.000-04:00

They want to challenge me...for me to "learn and grow,"
but how can I do that when they just told me no?
No response, no explanation...
This bureaucracy bullshit is testing my patience.

That moment.

2006-04-27T02:20:00.000-04:00

It's just THAT feeling
the pursuit;
the exchage;
all wrapped in one tic [of the clock], but pursued evermore.
THAT moment, THAT feeling...
THAT is life.
Bottle THAT, and you'll be rich;
Embrace THAT, hold onto it, and you'll be in bliss.

2006-04-24T16:43:00.000-04:00

To blog or not to blog?

2006-04-24T16:33:00.000-04:00

I have travelled around the wide, webby world of blogs over the years, alternating between use and disuse. It's reached another point in my life where I need to write things, need to express my thoughts, need to be creative. This is an outlet if I choose to use it.